Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Sleeping Pills and Emotional Ills

An unconventional post for Curvalicious Diva, but please bear with me...

My dear friend and de facto sister tried to kill herself 24 hours ago. took a half a bottle of sleeping pills because she was hearing voices because she was high... I wish I could say something like "How could she do this to herself? I don't understand how people get hoked on drugs!" But the fact is I do understand... As soon as I got home from trying to deal with getting help for my suicidal, drug addicted, pseudo family, who is in CA and therefore just out of reach, my being in Boston at all, all I wanted to do was eat. I wanted to eat to cover up the pain, frustration, and most of all helplessness that I felt at not being able to be there for her or to take her where she could get help, get to rehab, without falling back into her f'd up support system of drug addicted flunkies.

I wish I could also say that I avoided temptation, knowing full well that I would only be hurting myself in the long run and that wouldn't solve anything, but I cant. I gave in, I had 4 slices of bread with butter, 2 helpings of pasta with pesto, and a big bowl of mashed sweet potatoes... Are you catching the theme here? I eat carbs to bury my emotions, the same reason my friend shoots crystal meth... We all have our vices, be it wine, whiskey, food, sex, drugs, excessive exercise, etc. Apparently real life is just to hard to face head on... We F that! If I expect my friend to get clean, I have to expect myself to do the same! I cant exactly go to rehab for my addiction but there are similar places, OA, WW, Yoga, the Gym. I will not let food take away my experience of life, with all of the thorns and frustrations that come with it.

The thing I really realized last night is that I am much more likely to make positive choices in an "I'm bored" situation than an "I'm helpless" situation but the truth was, I wasn't helpless. I did absolutely everything that I could have done under the circumstances. I called everyone who loves her, I got her a support system, I talked to her doctors, I called rehab facilities, I did what I could under the circumstances. I wish I could have been there to hold her hand and take her home but the reality is that I couldn't. That doesn't make me helpless. At this point unfortunately I have to wait to see what happens to her, I don't have access to her, her boyfriend isn't answering my calls, but I wont let that take away my power. I am not helpless I am strong. She is a grown woman who has to make her own choices and decisions and the only thing I can to is be there for her on the other end whatever she decides to do.

So here's to not letting circumstances get me down and hoping my friend/sister can see the light at the end of the tunnel...

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